beautiful transitions.

This transition has been one of the most beautifully difficult ones of my life thus far.

How do you leave a place that has become home? A community that has embraced you? A church that has poured into you? Professors and staff that have believed in you and challenged you? Friends that have wrapped you in love, walked with you through the broken and joyful times, who have shown you a bit more about the heart of God. about forgiveness and grace. These people and this place have changed me, forever.

This thing people talk about during senior year -graduation- brings a handful of worry, anxiety, fear, along with excitement, hope, and opportunity beyond our imagination. What do we do with all these emotions?

I tried to "prepare" myself for this. For this ending and this new beginning. How do you end four years? I tried to think about it and talk about it and figure out how I was going to feel or what this new time would look like. However, I have realized, that is not obtainable. This transition cannot be described, planned, or felt, until it happens.

Until you sit around 745 beautiful people who you have seen for the past four memorable and defining years of you're life, whether on the way to class, across the hall, down the street, in a coffee shop,at the library,the beach, on the field, in the prayer room- these people are family. they are in a deep, deep place in my heart. These people are home.

Until you walk across that stage in an over-sized blue gown with a cap on you're head and receive a diploma. Until that 'major' you changed five times becomes a degree you earned. The countless hours you spent studying for that number on you're transcript to prove your dedication becomes real.

Until you become a teacher. an accountant. a nurse. a med student.a social worker. maybe a grad student.a writer. Until after two hours, you are officially done.

Until you become a Hope College Alum, this time of life cannot be prepared for. and when it happens, a whole new rush of emotions come with it. It seems like the door slams shut and a new one slowly starts to creep open. You start saying goodbye, in whatever way you know how, and you start walking forward. One foot at a time, into the rest of you're life. The rest of this beautiful life that the Lord has given us, established for us, which can now entail anything that He has for us, and anyplace He might want to send us. This time is a beautifully vulnerable place, which I think the Lord really loves, and we humans really hate. There is no set 'plan' from now on. There are no more set 'rules' to follow. and we have lost control, we have to set our own agendas down and we are being asked to walk in obedience to what He is asking of us. are we willing? am I willing? to push aside the control I have realized I love. the plans I want to make? the places I want to hold onto? the comfort and safety I am used to and wanting to keep a grip on? Am I willing to not let this fear of the unknown take over?
I want to say yes. and slowly, I am getting there.

This time after graduation has been by far one of the most difficult for me. I really love people. and some of the people the Lord has blessed my life with over the past four years are irreplaceable. absolutely beautiful people who have changed my life in numerous ways. people I want to be a huge part of my life. these people are beginning to scatter, all over the world. they are being sent out, which is one heck of a picture- 745 sons and daughters of the King- who were prepared for four years for this- to be sent. into the world. to change. to bring the Kingdom. this picture is what I am holding onto, because it's not about what I want. it's not about me wanting to be in the same physical space as these people or staying in the place i am comfortable and safe in, as wonderful as that would be. it's about Him. His glory. His word. His love. His plans- for all of our lives. and He is at work right now. it's about me trusting that the Lord will sustain and provide. no matter where we are in this world. He holds these relationships together. I think it's about remembering that He is so much bigger, than me. than my life. than hope college. than the world. He is big.

We are part of His plan of redemption. and I am learning, little by little, what it means to run towards the cross with faith in what I cannot see- which is almost everything right now. My life right now looks pretty foggy. unclear. I have the next step 'figured out'. I don't know what that entails- the relationships I will make, the places I will go, the ways the Lord will use me, break me, mold me, wreck me. I do not know much besides where I will be physically, for three months, which seems quite minimal compared to the rest of my life.

We have a father who is jealous for us. We have a good God. He delights in His children. He has the best for us. and He has designed us for His glory and His purpose. We have power and authority in Jesus. and maybe, just maybe, having a foggy vision of the rest of life is how He makes clear His plans. His agenda. how He teaches us to trust. to let go. to be bold. to rid ourselves of this world. to be willing and vulnerable. to go against the norm. just maybe, this is how we learn to follow Jesus. if so, bring on the foggy. teach me how to love a hazy future and grow my heart and eyes on gripping the present and being secure in this place that the Lord has called me. no matter what the world 'expects' of having plans.

A lot of letting go right now. A lot of trust. Faith. Expectations. fears.

As I prepare for the next step in my life, my discipleship training school which starts in a little over a month, I am getting a glimpse of what it means to rest. What do you do with two months of no plans, agenda, or job? What does rest mean without feeling lazy?

it means walking my dogs with my mom.crafting.it means early nights to bed.it means running.it means sitting at a coffee shop reading for hours.going for a drive. learning to cook.letters.listening to music.seeing old friends.roaming the city of Chicago.trying new churches.bike rides.

I am being shown the rich blessing of a time of rest. God is showing me that when we give Him time in our days to move, He certainly does. For much of my time at Hope, I planned my days to the tee. I justified being busy with the fact that they were all 'good' things. God wants time. Just us and Him. Daily. I guess that means we have to actually make room for that. He wants time and He wants us to let Him move in our days, to let Him show up. Friends, He really does.

I am excited to continue preparing for this adventure. In just a little over a month I will be getting on a plane, flying to Phoenix then Kona, and then outreach into another country end of September/early October. I am ready to be refined. challenged. broken. filled. sent out. wrecked for the ordinary. I am ready to see what the Lord wants with my life. with a heart abandoned to Him.

i am ready to lay it all down for the sake of knowing Jesus. Because He is worth it.

I will continue to keep you updated on this journey:) Thank you for reading.

"A man can plan his course, but the Lord establishes his steps" Proverbs 16:9. Clinging to this verse.