a bit of my heart.

SOOOO some women in my DTS are going after strongholds in our lives throughout this school and regaining power and voice as women. Last week we all came with something that we have always told ourselves, ‘we can’t’ do and we did those very things. Some read poetry, some sang, read journal entries, preached, and it was a beautiful night of breaking open and defeating these things that have held us back for a long time. I wrote this a few weeks ago in the prayer room. For a while I’ve felt like writing and the power of words are something the Lord has for a part of my future, along with photography, and I’ve never really openly talked about writing or shared things with those around me. So this is what I shared with these women, it’s a bit of my heart over the past month.


I am broken, but being rebuilt daily by the most glorious and intimate Father
I have clung to lesser lovers for too long, my own plans and desires
But He’s unraveling this heart and I’m letting Him have every inch of it
I’m opening my hands that I’ve gripped so tightly and I’m saying I am yours
The devils hold on parts of my life is being thrown out. He is done winning

Because it’s already been won
It’s all been conquered
The victory isn’t a question

for so long I’ve wondered if He actually knows me and my heart and I’ve asked the question ‘why’ countless times
I’ve convinced myself that his love is dependent on striving. But he is redefining love. This word thrown around easily and carelessly. And have I actually ever understood this word to the extent it’s supposed to be? To the depth and height and width that it should reach into my heart?

He is stripping my definition and replacing it with his.

He is my biggest fan. He formed me intricately. He knew me before anyone else, knows every part of my heart more intimately and sees it in ways I can’t, cares about my every hurt and struggle. He literally catches every tear, he is in the midst of my pain- close, not far. This father of mine actually has emotion over me. And all of this simply because he wants to be close and desires to love me, not at all because he has to. He choses to.

and my hearts been cracked wide open. It’s been vulnerable. It’s been two months of letting Him in. of letting walls down. Of asking questions,pondering, begging, and depending. Of realizing that without him I literally am nothing. Who I am fully depends on Jesus inside of me. and its been the most delicate and romantic two months of seeing a Savior capture the heart of his daughter again. The whole heart.

And it’s been a daughter relearning what it means to be found in the arms of Christ
To be worthy
what it means to be dearly loved, forgiven, redeemed, and sought after by a King
to be ravished by a lover
What it meant when a carpenter from Bethlehem carried the weight of my sin on his precious, fragile body, so I could have a relationship
So I could be free
So I could be a part of the most perfect, triune, infinite kingdom family
And the veil actually was torn
So I could enter in
And be a part of His plan of redemption
So I could see his face, know him and gaze on him
So the God of the universe could actually dwell inside of my very weak human heart, instead of anywhere else

He is furiously running after my heart
He is all that will satisfy me
He is all I want
There really are no words that go deep enough, or are real enough, to describe this man

This is my beloved
This is my father
This is my friend

He has awakened his love for me, and mine for him
And I cannot help but respond to this perfect love with all that I am

And the bread and wine will be lifted high in my life, the glory will be given to him, because there is no other precious name worthy of absolutely everything that I have.