First, I am sorry for not updating this very much in the past 3 weeks. My schedule here is crazy busy. But I am alive and well:) Emotionally and physically tired sometimes, but so good. The weather here is constant every day. 85 degrees, blue skies, sunny with volcano fog covering the island from about 1 to 3pm. Needless to say, I sweat pretty much all day, everyday. It’s really annoying☺ Campus is still crazy with about 400 of us running around here. There are a little over 100 in my school, and I can honestly tell you that these people feel like family to me already. I feel like I have known them forever. I’m honored and so blessed to be running with the group that I am with. Each one has a story about how they got here, how the Lord has provided for them, given them provision, and literally hand picked each one to be here.
It's been a whirlwind of the past few weeks and it is incredibly hard to describe what has been going on in my heart and what I am learning the past few weeks.
This past week on Thursday, all of our lecture fees were due. Lecture phase cost us 3,900 dollars each. The founder of ywam, Loren Cunningham was our speaker last week with his wife Darlene (yes it was phenomenal. This couple is amazing) and he asked the 7 students who needed money still to come forward. With all that these students needed by the next day, it was 16,000 dollars. Yep, that’s the right number. Loren told us to ask the Lord how much He wanted us to give these students and we were going to take an offering right there. The students went on stage, they turned on some music, and we started praying and quickly giving. Picture about 100 students, missionaries, close to broke if not already broke, going up to this stage and pouring out whatever they have for their brothers and sisters. Putting their needs before their own and trusting that God will continue to provide. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I sat in the back row just crying- looking at this beautiful bunch of people who were giving literally all they had. I kid you not, in 30 minutes 16,000 dollars was taken care of. Lecture phase was paid for.
He is provider. So many students came here with literally zero dollars. Almost everyone has been raising money since being here, and it’s normal if you come here with no money because they believe God will work. And He most certainly does. If any of you want to come to ywam (which literally every one of you should come- there is a DTS that starts in September- supposed to be incredible- just saying!) but don’t doubt for one second about finances. Not one minute. That will not be something that holds you back from anything.
It's been a huge blessing getting to know my Nepal team. Last weekend we decided to rent a truck and drive to the other side of the island to watch the sunrise on the top of Mauna Kea, a volcano. We left campus around 8pm and 9 of us piled into a truck with blankets and snacks ready for a trip across the island. I sat in the back of the truck with four others and gazed at the stars painted across the sky as we drove. I have never seen stars like this in my life, I felt like I was in the midst of the Milky Way. Starring at a pitch black sky with millions of glowing white specks painted among the darkness was a sight I will never forget. Then I started to think and remember that God has named and placed each and every one. And those are just the stars visible to me, which means there are beyond millions more that my human eyes are blind to. I started to think about how big He is. How small I am. He is bigger than my life, He is bigger than my circumstances, my hopes, dreams, my problems, my town, my school, this nation, and this world. He’s bigger than all of it. This God that I have put into a box over and over again in my Christian walk is literally pushing away every wall and breaking it down. Hard and fast.
We got to a pancake house and sat for a few hours talking and drinking coffee. We left and started the freezing cold and long drive to the top of the volcano. As we drove up the windy road, piled together, I kept thinking about all of this and how crazy it is that I got here, and am here in Kona, seeking Jesus and letting Him show me more and more of who He is and who I am.
As I sat wrapped up in blankets in the back of a red truck, at the top of this ginormous volcano, above a layer of puffy white clouds, the glowing orange sky pierced the darkness slowly and started to rise and the depth of these bright colors was incredible; some yellow, pink, and purple mixed in. How beautiful that the Lord paints this sky for us? That we get to look at a picture like this? And finally the darkness was gone, the sun had risen fully and the light was overwhelming. We sat in the back of the truck speechless, in awe at the picture we were starring at. Looking out into this infinite sky and picture that goes on and on. Just like His love. And that’s what my heart has been realizing here friends. yes, we are small- we are so small- but He wants us. He is after our hearts. Radically and FURIOUSLY after our hearts. and He will never stop chasing them.
One thing I have really been hit with since being here is the reality that being a Christian is not about performance; it’s not about doing the right things, or the “Christian” things. I feel like so much of my walk and relationship with God has been based on performance in order to prove that He should love me, that He should care and bless me and pour out favor on my life. That I am ‘good enough’ for Him, that I’m living the ‘right way’ He wants me to live. So I went to a Christian college and I joined a bible study, even led a few, I went to church every Sunday, went to chapel during the week, mission trips, led mission trips- all good things. All great things. But when your motive for these things is to ‘please’ God so he will love you more, or bless you more, that’s not what His desire is. Why?
BECAUSE HE ALREADY LOVES YOU. He already died for you. He already sent His son to suffer the most painful death- so we could have the PLEASURE of relationship with Him. There is absolutely NOTHING you can or can’t do to make Him love you more. The love is already there. It’s deep. Radical. Fierce. Strong. Compassionate. Gentle. Close. Infinite. And not for one second based on or dependent on works we do. And it’s constant. You cannot earn it friends. You have it☺ He’s just saying, “look at me. Look at my face. Because I am RADICALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU.”
It's so easy to make this checklist of things to do that says, ‘my job is to love God’- so we pray, read Bible, know a lot about the Bible, put on a garment of good deeds, trying to earn salvation. And we don’t realize that it’s a free gift that we certainly do not deserve but that he freely gave us. The NATURAL OUTFLOW OF HIS LOVE FOR ME IS MY LOVE FOR HIM. Our love for Him is a response. and out of our intimacy with Jesus in this relationship will FLOW all of those things, naturally.
I am done performing, done going through motions, done striving- I just want to know Him.
You guys, I am realizing that He is more committed to me than I ever will be to Him. He is more committed to EVERY future plan I have, to the spouse I will have, to every worry and circumstance. He is FAR MORE committed to my calling, my destiny, than I will ever be. So I can actually REST. He is our Father, who only knows how to give good gifts to His children. If He is our shepherd, we don’t need to worry or want. A life free of fear is possible friends. It actually is enough at the end of the day to just love Him. A life free of fear and insecurity has to be real or the gospel is not real. To the degree we believe in the gospel is the degree we will walk in liberty. It is possible to have no wants.
Zephaniah 3:17 says that “He is in your midst”- the Hebrew word for midst actually means closer than skin.
It also says “He rejoices over you with singing”. Do you actually believe that? In Hebrew the word rejoice means to spin around under violent emotion for His people. Uncontrollably. Our God is a wildly emotional expressive lover. Singing in Hebrew means to scream with loud voice over sons and daughters. Friends, He has emotion for you.
Another verse that has given me revelation is Song of Solomon 4:9. We can read this book under different viewpoints, one being God, the groom- speaking to His bride (us). Here is a beautiful, perfect God who is running after and wooing an insecure and broken bride, me and you. He is undone by us.
It says, “you have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride, you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace”.
I have spent SO much time trying to convince God why He shouldn’t love me, trying to talk Him out of loving me because of this or that- and He’s saying that with ONE GLANCE of my eye, I’ve ravished his heart. So if I can give him one glance and capture him, how much more will I be ravished when I LOCK EYES with Him and stare at Him? He’s raising up a generation that will look at Him and choose Him over our own agendas and comforts. One that is convinced of His love and returns it. It’s the reason He sent His son. And sent him to hell and brought him back. Because WE were worth going to the cross for. So HE would have a people that wanted Eden again.
I have been so convicted of how much I want and need to be rooted in spirit and truth. He has given me complete access to Him, who He is, and what’s He is about through His word. How can I fall in love with God if I don’t know His word and His character? How do I step into a nation with the gospel if I don't know it? How cool is it that the Bible is the only book with an Author that will never die.
How can you fall in love with someone you don't know? When you glance at Jesus, just glance at Him with a passing look, His heart skips a beat for you. Jesus can’t wait until you lock eyes with Him and commune with Him. He could have chosen anywhere in the world to live, and He said “I’m going to dwell in the hearts of men”. Not a building or a program or idea or material or school- but I am choosing to dwell in MAN. That’s you and me. You carry Him inside of you. The same power that raised Christ from the dead dwells in you. He gave us DOMINION over this earth. We are His plan friends.
"The degree that we are aware of His extravagant love is the degree to which we will extravagantly love Him back."
With the revelation of the extravagant love of God comes an extravagant response. It’s not about living a ‘good enough’ life or performance.
Our time on earth is the only time in all of eternity that we have the PLEASURE of saying no to the world and yes to Jesus? We have the privilege of saying, “I am sick, but He is good”, “my circumstance is hard, but He is good” . Our lives compared to eternity are nothing. This is the only time in ALL of eternity we have the choice to say no to these things. We actually have the honor to choose Him while surrounded by sin. We will never have the privilege of worshiping Him without seeing Him ever again. We will never have a difficult circumstance in Heaven and here we get the chance to say “you are good and I will worship you” in the midst of those.
God moved violently from heaven to earth and He’s waiting for us to respond. He is the most exciting human being and asking us to join in the greatest adventure.
Our speaker today said, “the most heart breaking thing is a Christian who thinks God is boring”. He went to every extreme to win my heart, why do I question if He’s worth it?
He is asking for my joy filled surrender. He’s not a dictator. He is a loving and kind King who cares about our decision to love Him. He refuses to violate our free will to make us love Him, but He longs that we would look at the world and choose Him. Think about it, unless we had the option to not love God, we couldn’t choose to love Him.
I’m realizing how easy it is to let selfishness decide how we feel about God. My emotions make me question God and who He is. It holds me back from all He has. But it doesn’t really matter how I feel, because He is good. No matter what. What if I understood that it wasn’t about my emotion? That I don’t rule my heart, but He does. When if when I woke up I could say, “thank you for…” because in reality, I have a million things to be thankful for. But I choose to focus on the bad ones.
He offers us the most exciting, beautiful, intimate filled life with Him. This complacent life of going through the Christians motions is being struck down. This life where the Bible was read because it’s just supposed to be what we do but then we fall asleep. It’s an up and down journey and were not finding sustainability. We try and try and try and then fail, so we feel shame and failure, and then we feel His love, and then it’s this cycle over and over again.
I’m realizing how easy it is to find our identity in earthly things. Entertainment, relationships, money, our own plans, comfort, etc. These things are all temporary. These things are all going to bring temporary satisfaction. The human heart was created to give itself away to something more. Something bigger. And when you think about it, we all are giving our hearts away. But to what? Humans were created to sacrifice greatly. Think about books and movies and stories in our culture- they are all about someone sacrificing something for a greater cause. We were created to give ourselves up for something bigger- we just don’t know it’s Jesus.
Jesus went on a fast for 33 years. For 33 years He stepped out of the glory of Heaven, the splendor, the trinity, the presence of the Father. He had never been outside of revelation 4 (the throne room) and the noise of the angels and creatures. He said, “I’m leaving it all and taking the form of a human”. The God of the universe takes on the weakest and most incapable creature on earth, a human baby. By speaking He created the world, and here he lies and cries as a baby because He is tired and hungry. He becomes His own creation. This was the most costly act of love in human history. God’s own creation nailed Him to a cross and He let us do it. He endured costly devotion- and we are created to reciprocate costly love.
He is good. The promises he has for us. He sees our desires. Friends- He’s after your hearts. God is on the move in this world. And He is raising up a generation that will take one look at Him and understand how much He loves them and are willing to partner with Him to change this world. Because changing the world is not a cliché statement. That’s a reality and His destiny for His people. And this ‘radical life’ is not just for the few. No, it’s for all.
I’m Hungry for the word like never before and learning how to study the word.
Learning how to preach the gospel.
The simplicity of the gospel.
The power in the gospel.
Today I heard a message on marriage that brought me SO much revelation about this it’s ridiculous. I can’t type it out because you probably will think I am crazy for making this blogpost so long, but seriously, if you want to talk about marriage I WANT TO TELL YOU WHAT I LEARNED TODAY. It radically opened my eyes and changed thoughts I’ve been stuck in about marriage.
I would seriously love to talk about this though and read you my notes and share thoughts on this.
This is literally a scratch of the surface of my heart. There is so much more. I am coming alive in ways I never thought possible. I miss you all so much. Thanks for reading my heart. I hope the revelations I am having are opening your hearts and minds also more and more to this beautiful God.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
And so it begins.
Aloha from Kona, Hawaii:)
Well, it has officially been 10 days since I've arrived in Kona and been at the YWAM base here. I haven't updated my blog because 1. my schedule here is crazy. and 2. it's been hard for me to put into words what i have learned already. I am going to try:)
There are about 400 students at the base right now, so needless to say, check in day was absolutely crazy and overwhelming. I met my staff of the Awaken DTS and got settled into my new room. I have four beautiful roommates- Jen from Florida, Rachel from Portland, Karli from Vancouver, and Ilona from Finland. I have SERIOUSLY been blessed with these girls. It's been amazing. I love them a lot. Here is part of our room:)
Friday we got oriented with the beautiful campus and the buildings, etc. It's still crazy to me that I get to grow more and learn more about Jesus while in this GORGEOUS place. I get to see the most beautiful sunsets, walk to coconut grove (a little shopping center right on the ocean) to get frozen yogurt, it's been so great. There are about 90 students in my school, and right away we started getting close. I feel like I have been here for months. They have become family, instantly. This is a little of campus:
Saturday and Sunday we spent hanging out as a school and getting to know each other. They rented huge water games and slides from across the island and we spent the day hanging out and just having fun. It was awesome. Later that night the staff had a party for us and we got to just hang and have desert and get to know each other. We ended the night with an awesome time of worship and just being in prayer each other and the school.
Monday classes started. This first week we didn't have a speaker, we just got the chance to hear the testimonies of our school staff. It was incredible. This is the link to what we heard: http://www.awakendts.com/podcasts/
I would seriously encourage all of you to listen to these beautiful men and women of the Lord, where they came from, and their hearts. I am beyond blessed to be able to run with this group after the heart of God. This week we have pretty much established that none of us know what we are doing, we are just running after God together and loving each other. From there, the rest will come:)
A typical day in the life of a DTS student looks like this:
Wake up at 545, breakfast at 630, worship/prayer/intercession from 8-9, class 9-12, lunch 12-1, work duty (i am on recycling duty- basically get to drive around in a truck and collect recycling) from 3-5, then dinner, then mondays and thursdays we have either community outreach or worship as a school. SO, yes, my days are insanely busy. I am very tired at night:)
It's hard for me to process all that I have learned this week and what God has already started to show me, but I am excited about it. The next 3 months are going to be hard, as I discover more and more of what I need to grow in, walls I need to break, and areas of my heart that need to be healed and restored, but so worth it. I am learning more of my identity in Christ and how He looks at me. How much His heart beats for me and the plans that He has for me. I am learning about my own testimony, and the power in it. I used to think for so long that my testimony wasn't really worth telling or didn't have the power to reach people because I didn't have this dark crazy past that led to Jesus. But through so many of my staff, I have been learning that my story does in fact have power and is absolutely worth telling. It is a story of Gods hand of protection over my life again and again. The ways He protected me from so much is really crazy to think back on. So, to all of you, you have a story. No matter what it is. He has led you to where you are, and it is ABSOLUTELY worth sharing. Speak your testimonies with power and confidence, because the Lord HAS done incredible things in your lives that have led you to where you are now.
Here are a few points from my notes this past week that I would like to share:
-True revelation demands a response in your heart.
-We are not meant to be in control of what we do. The original sin was that, being in control and pride, it's not our way but His.
-Ephesians 2:4-6, we are seated in heavenly places with Christ.
-1 Corinthians 14- pursue love and desire the gifts.
-what you behold, you become.
-It's on His heart for EVERY person to know Him. share your story.
-when you're most uncomfortable, that is when He will work the most.
-when you pursue Christ with everything you have, heaven and earth are GOING to collide.
-our inheritance is to love.
-He is more after me than I am after Him.
-We can't do anything for the Lord to have pleasure in us, He ALREADY DOES.
-the Gospel is not about how much we can do- it's never been about us- it's about Him.
-our heart posture should be "Jesus use me".
-He has dreams He wants to release.
-Being 100 percent sure of what God wants is overrated, it's more about knowing His character.
-everything you do for God will come from the place of intimacy with God.
-Let Jesus love you and let other people watch.
-the Christian life is the most glorious invitation to the heart of God.
-There is no heart too hard for Jesus.
-He is radically and furiously devoted to us.
One of our staff went through 1 Corinthians 13- explained each one as if it was the Lord speaking to us- I want to encourage all of you to read that and go through each aspect of love as it reveals more and more of the heart of God and His character.
SO, this September, 90 students and 28 staff will be sent out literally ALL over the world. Here are the countries that we are sending teams to:
We found out these countries on Wednesday, had 20 hours to pray about where we felt God wanted us, wrote down our top choice on Thursday morning, and were introduced to our team on Friday. I was in the prayer room and asked God where He wanted me, Nepal was the first country that came into my head, and then I saw a picture of this coffee shop. I didn't think anything of it and then saw a friend who is doing another school here and told him I think I am writing down Nepal and explained the coffee shop. Well, he used to work at a coffee shop in Holland Michigan and knows a man who owns a coffee shop in Nepal and runs that as his ministry sharing the gospel there. crazyyyyyy. so that was confirmation also. and then my other friend came up and told me that he watched our outreach video twice that morning and asked the Lord where I was going to go, and he got Nepal also. So, needless to say, I wrote down Nepal. and felt so much peace about it. Friday morning we found out, and yes, I am going to Nepal. The crazy thing is that my girl leader, Haley, is one of the girl staff I have gotten extremely close with and she speaks a LOT of truth into my life. and about 6 of the 7 students on my team are people who I have already began becoming really close with. Total blessing. We are really focused on becoming a family and just learning how to love each other and out of that love coming Jesus and being able to share the gospel with each other. So, its going to be an incredible journey with these beautiful people over the next six months. We really are going to change the world.
Meet my team:
Haley Austin (team leader), Sacramento, California
Cody Sanford (team leader), Denver, Colorado
Amy, Orange City, Iowa
Chris Dirks, Excelsior, Minnesota
Don Bloomer, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Jenn Baxter, Jacksonville, Florida
Scott Pitsch, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Sarah Justice-Borger, Alta Loma, California
ME!
and this my friends and family, is my beautiful team headed to Nepal to bring the good news:) Love and miss you ALL!
Well, it has officially been 10 days since I've arrived in Kona and been at the YWAM base here. I haven't updated my blog because 1. my schedule here is crazy. and 2. it's been hard for me to put into words what i have learned already. I am going to try:)
There are about 400 students at the base right now, so needless to say, check in day was absolutely crazy and overwhelming. I met my staff of the Awaken DTS and got settled into my new room. I have four beautiful roommates- Jen from Florida, Rachel from Portland, Karli from Vancouver, and Ilona from Finland. I have SERIOUSLY been blessed with these girls. It's been amazing. I love them a lot. Here is part of our room:)
Friday we got oriented with the beautiful campus and the buildings, etc. It's still crazy to me that I get to grow more and learn more about Jesus while in this GORGEOUS place. I get to see the most beautiful sunsets, walk to coconut grove (a little shopping center right on the ocean) to get frozen yogurt, it's been so great. There are about 90 students in my school, and right away we started getting close. I feel like I have been here for months. They have become family, instantly. This is a little of campus:
Saturday and Sunday we spent hanging out as a school and getting to know each other. They rented huge water games and slides from across the island and we spent the day hanging out and just having fun. It was awesome. Later that night the staff had a party for us and we got to just hang and have desert and get to know each other. We ended the night with an awesome time of worship and just being in prayer each other and the school.
Monday classes started. This first week we didn't have a speaker, we just got the chance to hear the testimonies of our school staff. It was incredible. This is the link to what we heard: http://www.awakendts.com/podcasts/
I would seriously encourage all of you to listen to these beautiful men and women of the Lord, where they came from, and their hearts. I am beyond blessed to be able to run with this group after the heart of God. This week we have pretty much established that none of us know what we are doing, we are just running after God together and loving each other. From there, the rest will come:)
A typical day in the life of a DTS student looks like this:
Wake up at 545, breakfast at 630, worship/prayer/intercession from 8-9, class 9-12, lunch 12-1, work duty (i am on recycling duty- basically get to drive around in a truck and collect recycling) from 3-5, then dinner, then mondays and thursdays we have either community outreach or worship as a school. SO, yes, my days are insanely busy. I am very tired at night:)
It's hard for me to process all that I have learned this week and what God has already started to show me, but I am excited about it. The next 3 months are going to be hard, as I discover more and more of what I need to grow in, walls I need to break, and areas of my heart that need to be healed and restored, but so worth it. I am learning more of my identity in Christ and how He looks at me. How much His heart beats for me and the plans that He has for me. I am learning about my own testimony, and the power in it. I used to think for so long that my testimony wasn't really worth telling or didn't have the power to reach people because I didn't have this dark crazy past that led to Jesus. But through so many of my staff, I have been learning that my story does in fact have power and is absolutely worth telling. It is a story of Gods hand of protection over my life again and again. The ways He protected me from so much is really crazy to think back on. So, to all of you, you have a story. No matter what it is. He has led you to where you are, and it is ABSOLUTELY worth sharing. Speak your testimonies with power and confidence, because the Lord HAS done incredible things in your lives that have led you to where you are now.
Here are a few points from my notes this past week that I would like to share:
-True revelation demands a response in your heart.
-We are not meant to be in control of what we do. The original sin was that, being in control and pride, it's not our way but His.
-Ephesians 2:4-6, we are seated in heavenly places with Christ.
-1 Corinthians 14- pursue love and desire the gifts.
-what you behold, you become.
-It's on His heart for EVERY person to know Him. share your story.
-when you're most uncomfortable, that is when He will work the most.
-when you pursue Christ with everything you have, heaven and earth are GOING to collide.
-our inheritance is to love.
-He is more after me than I am after Him.
-We can't do anything for the Lord to have pleasure in us, He ALREADY DOES.
-the Gospel is not about how much we can do- it's never been about us- it's about Him.
-our heart posture should be "Jesus use me".
-He has dreams He wants to release.
-Being 100 percent sure of what God wants is overrated, it's more about knowing His character.
-everything you do for God will come from the place of intimacy with God.
-Let Jesus love you and let other people watch.
-the Christian life is the most glorious invitation to the heart of God.
-There is no heart too hard for Jesus.
-He is radically and furiously devoted to us.
One of our staff went through 1 Corinthians 13- explained each one as if it was the Lord speaking to us- I want to encourage all of you to read that and go through each aspect of love as it reveals more and more of the heart of God and His character.
SO, this September, 90 students and 28 staff will be sent out literally ALL over the world. Here are the countries that we are sending teams to:
We found out these countries on Wednesday, had 20 hours to pray about where we felt God wanted us, wrote down our top choice on Thursday morning, and were introduced to our team on Friday. I was in the prayer room and asked God where He wanted me, Nepal was the first country that came into my head, and then I saw a picture of this coffee shop. I didn't think anything of it and then saw a friend who is doing another school here and told him I think I am writing down Nepal and explained the coffee shop. Well, he used to work at a coffee shop in Holland Michigan and knows a man who owns a coffee shop in Nepal and runs that as his ministry sharing the gospel there. crazyyyyyy. so that was confirmation also. and then my other friend came up and told me that he watched our outreach video twice that morning and asked the Lord where I was going to go, and he got Nepal also. So, needless to say, I wrote down Nepal. and felt so much peace about it. Friday morning we found out, and yes, I am going to Nepal. The crazy thing is that my girl leader, Haley, is one of the girl staff I have gotten extremely close with and she speaks a LOT of truth into my life. and about 6 of the 7 students on my team are people who I have already began becoming really close with. Total blessing. We are really focused on becoming a family and just learning how to love each other and out of that love coming Jesus and being able to share the gospel with each other. So, its going to be an incredible journey with these beautiful people over the next six months. We really are going to change the world.
Meet my team:
Haley Austin (team leader), Sacramento, California
Cody Sanford (team leader), Denver, Colorado
Amy, Orange City, Iowa
Chris Dirks, Excelsior, Minnesota
Don Bloomer, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Jenn Baxter, Jacksonville, Florida
Scott Pitsch, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Sarah Justice-Borger, Alta Loma, California
ME!
and this my friends and family, is my beautiful team headed to Nepal to bring the good news:) Love and miss you ALL!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
beautiful transitions.
This transition has been one of the most beautifully difficult ones of my life thus far.
How do you leave a place that has become home? A community that has embraced you? A church that has poured into you? Professors and staff that have believed in you and challenged you? Friends that have wrapped you in love, walked with you through the broken and joyful times, who have shown you a bit more about the heart of God. about forgiveness and grace. These people and this place have changed me, forever.
This thing people talk about during senior year -graduation- brings a handful of worry, anxiety, fear, along with excitement, hope, and opportunity beyond our imagination. What do we do with all these emotions?
I tried to "prepare" myself for this. For this ending and this new beginning. How do you end four years? I tried to think about it and talk about it and figure out how I was going to feel or what this new time would look like. However, I have realized, that is not obtainable. This transition cannot be described, planned, or felt, until it happens.
Until you sit around 745 beautiful people who you have seen for the past four memorable and defining years of you're life, whether on the way to class, across the hall, down the street, in a coffee shop,at the library,the beach, on the field, in the prayer room- these people are family. they are in a deep, deep place in my heart. These people are home.
Until you walk across that stage in an over-sized blue gown with a cap on you're head and receive a diploma. Until that 'major' you changed five times becomes a degree you earned. The countless hours you spent studying for that number on you're transcript to prove your dedication becomes real.
Until you become a teacher. an accountant. a nurse. a med student.a social worker. maybe a grad student.a writer. Until after two hours, you are officially done.
Until you become a Hope College Alum, this time of life cannot be prepared for. and when it happens, a whole new rush of emotions come with it. It seems like the door slams shut and a new one slowly starts to creep open. You start saying goodbye, in whatever way you know how, and you start walking forward. One foot at a time, into the rest of you're life. The rest of this beautiful life that the Lord has given us, established for us, which can now entail anything that He has for us, and anyplace He might want to send us. This time is a beautifully vulnerable place, which I think the Lord really loves, and we humans really hate. There is no set 'plan' from now on. There are no more set 'rules' to follow. and we have lost control, we have to set our own agendas down and we are being asked to walk in obedience to what He is asking of us. are we willing? am I willing? to push aside the control I have realized I love. the plans I want to make? the places I want to hold onto? the comfort and safety I am used to and wanting to keep a grip on? Am I willing to not let this fear of the unknown take over?
I want to say yes. and slowly, I am getting there.
This time after graduation has been by far one of the most difficult for me. I really love people. and some of the people the Lord has blessed my life with over the past four years are irreplaceable. absolutely beautiful people who have changed my life in numerous ways. people I want to be a huge part of my life. these people are beginning to scatter, all over the world. they are being sent out, which is one heck of a picture- 745 sons and daughters of the King- who were prepared for four years for this- to be sent. into the world. to change. to bring the Kingdom. this picture is what I am holding onto, because it's not about what I want. it's not about me wanting to be in the same physical space as these people or staying in the place i am comfortable and safe in, as wonderful as that would be. it's about Him. His glory. His word. His love. His plans- for all of our lives. and He is at work right now. it's about me trusting that the Lord will sustain and provide. no matter where we are in this world. He holds these relationships together. I think it's about remembering that He is so much bigger, than me. than my life. than hope college. than the world. He is big.
We are part of His plan of redemption. and I am learning, little by little, what it means to run towards the cross with faith in what I cannot see- which is almost everything right now. My life right now looks pretty foggy. unclear. I have the next step 'figured out'. I don't know what that entails- the relationships I will make, the places I will go, the ways the Lord will use me, break me, mold me, wreck me. I do not know much besides where I will be physically, for three months, which seems quite minimal compared to the rest of my life.
We have a father who is jealous for us. We have a good God. He delights in His children. He has the best for us. and He has designed us for His glory and His purpose. We have power and authority in Jesus. and maybe, just maybe, having a foggy vision of the rest of life is how He makes clear His plans. His agenda. how He teaches us to trust. to let go. to be bold. to rid ourselves of this world. to be willing and vulnerable. to go against the norm. just maybe, this is how we learn to follow Jesus. if so, bring on the foggy. teach me how to love a hazy future and grow my heart and eyes on gripping the present and being secure in this place that the Lord has called me. no matter what the world 'expects' of having plans.
A lot of letting go right now. A lot of trust. Faith. Expectations. fears.
As I prepare for the next step in my life, my discipleship training school which starts in a little over a month, I am getting a glimpse of what it means to rest. What do you do with two months of no plans, agenda, or job? What does rest mean without feeling lazy?
it means walking my dogs with my mom.crafting.it means early nights to bed.it means running.it means sitting at a coffee shop reading for hours.going for a drive. learning to cook.letters.listening to music.seeing old friends.roaming the city of Chicago.trying new churches.bike rides.
I am being shown the rich blessing of a time of rest. God is showing me that when we give Him time in our days to move, He certainly does. For much of my time at Hope, I planned my days to the tee. I justified being busy with the fact that they were all 'good' things. God wants time. Just us and Him. Daily. I guess that means we have to actually make room for that. He wants time and He wants us to let Him move in our days, to let Him show up. Friends, He really does.
I am excited to continue preparing for this adventure. In just a little over a month I will be getting on a plane, flying to Phoenix then Kona, and then outreach into another country end of September/early October. I am ready to be refined. challenged. broken. filled. sent out. wrecked for the ordinary. I am ready to see what the Lord wants with my life. with a heart abandoned to Him.
i am ready to lay it all down for the sake of knowing Jesus. Because He is worth it.
I will continue to keep you updated on this journey:) Thank you for reading.
"A man can plan his course, but the Lord establishes his steps" Proverbs 16:9. Clinging to this verse.
How do you leave a place that has become home? A community that has embraced you? A church that has poured into you? Professors and staff that have believed in you and challenged you? Friends that have wrapped you in love, walked with you through the broken and joyful times, who have shown you a bit more about the heart of God. about forgiveness and grace. These people and this place have changed me, forever.
This thing people talk about during senior year -graduation- brings a handful of worry, anxiety, fear, along with excitement, hope, and opportunity beyond our imagination. What do we do with all these emotions?
I tried to "prepare" myself for this. For this ending and this new beginning. How do you end four years? I tried to think about it and talk about it and figure out how I was going to feel or what this new time would look like. However, I have realized, that is not obtainable. This transition cannot be described, planned, or felt, until it happens.
Until you sit around 745 beautiful people who you have seen for the past four memorable and defining years of you're life, whether on the way to class, across the hall, down the street, in a coffee shop,at the library,the beach, on the field, in the prayer room- these people are family. they are in a deep, deep place in my heart. These people are home.
Until you walk across that stage in an over-sized blue gown with a cap on you're head and receive a diploma. Until that 'major' you changed five times becomes a degree you earned. The countless hours you spent studying for that number on you're transcript to prove your dedication becomes real.
Until you become a teacher. an accountant. a nurse. a med student.a social worker. maybe a grad student.a writer. Until after two hours, you are officially done.
Until you become a Hope College Alum, this time of life cannot be prepared for. and when it happens, a whole new rush of emotions come with it. It seems like the door slams shut and a new one slowly starts to creep open. You start saying goodbye, in whatever way you know how, and you start walking forward. One foot at a time, into the rest of you're life. The rest of this beautiful life that the Lord has given us, established for us, which can now entail anything that He has for us, and anyplace He might want to send us. This time is a beautifully vulnerable place, which I think the Lord really loves, and we humans really hate. There is no set 'plan' from now on. There are no more set 'rules' to follow. and we have lost control, we have to set our own agendas down and we are being asked to walk in obedience to what He is asking of us. are we willing? am I willing? to push aside the control I have realized I love. the plans I want to make? the places I want to hold onto? the comfort and safety I am used to and wanting to keep a grip on? Am I willing to not let this fear of the unknown take over?
I want to say yes. and slowly, I am getting there.
This time after graduation has been by far one of the most difficult for me. I really love people. and some of the people the Lord has blessed my life with over the past four years are irreplaceable. absolutely beautiful people who have changed my life in numerous ways. people I want to be a huge part of my life. these people are beginning to scatter, all over the world. they are being sent out, which is one heck of a picture- 745 sons and daughters of the King- who were prepared for four years for this- to be sent. into the world. to change. to bring the Kingdom. this picture is what I am holding onto, because it's not about what I want. it's not about me wanting to be in the same physical space as these people or staying in the place i am comfortable and safe in, as wonderful as that would be. it's about Him. His glory. His word. His love. His plans- for all of our lives. and He is at work right now. it's about me trusting that the Lord will sustain and provide. no matter where we are in this world. He holds these relationships together. I think it's about remembering that He is so much bigger, than me. than my life. than hope college. than the world. He is big.
We are part of His plan of redemption. and I am learning, little by little, what it means to run towards the cross with faith in what I cannot see- which is almost everything right now. My life right now looks pretty foggy. unclear. I have the next step 'figured out'. I don't know what that entails- the relationships I will make, the places I will go, the ways the Lord will use me, break me, mold me, wreck me. I do not know much besides where I will be physically, for three months, which seems quite minimal compared to the rest of my life.
We have a father who is jealous for us. We have a good God. He delights in His children. He has the best for us. and He has designed us for His glory and His purpose. We have power and authority in Jesus. and maybe, just maybe, having a foggy vision of the rest of life is how He makes clear His plans. His agenda. how He teaches us to trust. to let go. to be bold. to rid ourselves of this world. to be willing and vulnerable. to go against the norm. just maybe, this is how we learn to follow Jesus. if so, bring on the foggy. teach me how to love a hazy future and grow my heart and eyes on gripping the present and being secure in this place that the Lord has called me. no matter what the world 'expects' of having plans.
A lot of letting go right now. A lot of trust. Faith. Expectations. fears.
As I prepare for the next step in my life, my discipleship training school which starts in a little over a month, I am getting a glimpse of what it means to rest. What do you do with two months of no plans, agenda, or job? What does rest mean without feeling lazy?
it means walking my dogs with my mom.crafting.it means early nights to bed.it means running.it means sitting at a coffee shop reading for hours.going for a drive. learning to cook.letters.listening to music.seeing old friends.roaming the city of Chicago.trying new churches.bike rides.
I am being shown the rich blessing of a time of rest. God is showing me that when we give Him time in our days to move, He certainly does. For much of my time at Hope, I planned my days to the tee. I justified being busy with the fact that they were all 'good' things. God wants time. Just us and Him. Daily. I guess that means we have to actually make room for that. He wants time and He wants us to let Him move in our days, to let Him show up. Friends, He really does.
I am excited to continue preparing for this adventure. In just a little over a month I will be getting on a plane, flying to Phoenix then Kona, and then outreach into another country end of September/early October. I am ready to be refined. challenged. broken. filled. sent out. wrecked for the ordinary. I am ready to see what the Lord wants with my life. with a heart abandoned to Him.
i am ready to lay it all down for the sake of knowing Jesus. Because He is worth it.
I will continue to keep you updated on this journey:) Thank you for reading.
"A man can plan his course, but the Lord establishes his steps" Proverbs 16:9. Clinging to this verse.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
God Is FAITHFUL.
This semester has been one of God proving His faithfulness over and over again, in so many ways. Regarding YWAM and my fundraising for this DTS- He has rocked my world and hit me upside the head with His faithfulness. He never fails, friends.
He will get you wherever He wants you. No questions asked.
So many times we hear how we have a God who is faithful, and sometimes as Christians I think our language can get thrown around really easily. Until we see this and feel it, our hearts have a hard time believing it.
My biggest fear in committing to YWAM has been the money. How me, a college student, who has no steady job, is going to raise 9,500 dollars. I kept saying, “God- if this is your call for my life, you are going to have to show me that you will get me there”. Funny how seriously God takes that.
Over Christmas break a wonderful Sister and friend suggested we try to plan a ‘benefit concert’ to help raise money for YWAM. So the idea was thrown around and we emailed about 15 different people we thought might be interested and were musically very gifted. Within an hour of this email, EVERY artist responded with a yes. COOL. From the idea of this concert to the actual night, God beautifully orchestrated the entire thing. We easily got an auditorium on Hope campus for free. A friend made BEAUTIFUL posters and hung them up all around campus. A friend graciously offered to help decorate the entire auditorium for the event. She spent countless hours in the art building making things for the night such as wreaths made out of vines, prayer cards, donations box, mason jars used for donations, candle displays, etc. She did a wonderful job. It looked beautiful. Cozy. inviting. warm. So, Friday February 18th came around and we spent the day running around campus getting furniture and last minute stops to make this room what we hoped. We had a blast doing this. We opened the door to Maas auditorium and we thought, “wow, this room is HUGE. bigger than we thought. welp, lets hope people come”. That week was so filled with joy and I was truly overwhelmed with the amount of help my community offered and their willingness to be a part of this. The artists all arrived around 630 to do sound check and make sure everything was alright. They were all pumped. It was beautiful to see a bunch of brothers and sisters standing in this room, filled with JOY and excitement, ready to glorify God and bring His name praise. SUCH WILLING HEARTS. Words cannot even express how thankful I am for these people. I am deeply loved. Everything went smoothly and around 7:10 someone told me that people were waiting outside the doors for this to start. I thought, “what? It doesn’t start until 8″.
It started at 8.THE AUDITORIUM WAS PACKED. Filled. With One God. With freshmen through seniors. Friends. Strangers. A few adults. Smiling faces. Joy-filled laughter. Eager hearts. ALL there for one reason: to further the Kingdom.
The most beautiful thing I took from this night was the picture of the BODY of Christ that I got. This was it. A room packed of brothers and sisters there to support the Kingdom. Willing to give for our God.
Every artist did wonderfully. Played around 3 or 4 songs. A few wrote their own:) There was coffee donated from a local coffee shop, baked goods from some beautiful sisters. A whole lot of smiles and prayers. I have never felt so deeply loved by the body of Christ and confident that I have an army of people who are standing next to me through this journey. A body who is for me. All for the Kingdom.
To bring HIM GLORY.
So, I was hoping for between 800 and 1,000 dollars from that night. An announcement was made before the last band played, that we raised 2,000 dollars. I was in complete awe. and then tears built up. and I stood and let it soak in that GOD PROVIDED that money. That a room of college students just did that in 3 hours. FOR HIS GLORY. The Lord used this night in more ways than I ever thought possible. He is good.
SO. so. good.
Each one of you were MADE FOR GLORY. I am learning that. I am learning how much God really is our provider. He will get us WHEREVER HE WANTS US. Nothing can or will stop Him.
This God that we SO easily put ‘limits’ on is EXPLODING. I think He is laughing right now, at the fact that we are surprised by this. HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS. and He has NO LIMITS. None. We put Him in a box so easily.
That’s gotta stop:)
**Psalm 115
**Isaiah 61
**James 1:17
Be blessed, brothers and sisters.
He will get you wherever He wants you. No questions asked.
So many times we hear how we have a God who is faithful, and sometimes as Christians I think our language can get thrown around really easily. Until we see this and feel it, our hearts have a hard time believing it.
My biggest fear in committing to YWAM has been the money. How me, a college student, who has no steady job, is going to raise 9,500 dollars. I kept saying, “God- if this is your call for my life, you are going to have to show me that you will get me there”. Funny how seriously God takes that.
Over Christmas break a wonderful Sister and friend suggested we try to plan a ‘benefit concert’ to help raise money for YWAM. So the idea was thrown around and we emailed about 15 different people we thought might be interested and were musically very gifted. Within an hour of this email, EVERY artist responded with a yes. COOL. From the idea of this concert to the actual night, God beautifully orchestrated the entire thing. We easily got an auditorium on Hope campus for free. A friend made BEAUTIFUL posters and hung them up all around campus. A friend graciously offered to help decorate the entire auditorium for the event. She spent countless hours in the art building making things for the night such as wreaths made out of vines, prayer cards, donations box, mason jars used for donations, candle displays, etc. She did a wonderful job. It looked beautiful. Cozy. inviting. warm. So, Friday February 18th came around and we spent the day running around campus getting furniture and last minute stops to make this room what we hoped. We had a blast doing this. We opened the door to Maas auditorium and we thought, “wow, this room is HUGE. bigger than we thought. welp, lets hope people come”. That week was so filled with joy and I was truly overwhelmed with the amount of help my community offered and their willingness to be a part of this. The artists all arrived around 630 to do sound check and make sure everything was alright. They were all pumped. It was beautiful to see a bunch of brothers and sisters standing in this room, filled with JOY and excitement, ready to glorify God and bring His name praise. SUCH WILLING HEARTS. Words cannot even express how thankful I am for these people. I am deeply loved. Everything went smoothly and around 7:10 someone told me that people were waiting outside the doors for this to start. I thought, “what? It doesn’t start until 8″.
It started at 8.THE AUDITORIUM WAS PACKED. Filled. With One God. With freshmen through seniors. Friends. Strangers. A few adults. Smiling faces. Joy-filled laughter. Eager hearts. ALL there for one reason: to further the Kingdom.
The most beautiful thing I took from this night was the picture of the BODY of Christ that I got. This was it. A room packed of brothers and sisters there to support the Kingdom. Willing to give for our God.
Every artist did wonderfully. Played around 3 or 4 songs. A few wrote their own:) There was coffee donated from a local coffee shop, baked goods from some beautiful sisters. A whole lot of smiles and prayers. I have never felt so deeply loved by the body of Christ and confident that I have an army of people who are standing next to me through this journey. A body who is for me. All for the Kingdom.
To bring HIM GLORY.
So, I was hoping for between 800 and 1,000 dollars from that night. An announcement was made before the last band played, that we raised 2,000 dollars. I was in complete awe. and then tears built up. and I stood and let it soak in that GOD PROVIDED that money. That a room of college students just did that in 3 hours. FOR HIS GLORY. The Lord used this night in more ways than I ever thought possible. He is good.
SO. so. good.
Each one of you were MADE FOR GLORY. I am learning that. I am learning how much God really is our provider. He will get us WHEREVER HE WANTS US. Nothing can or will stop Him.
This God that we SO easily put ‘limits’ on is EXPLODING. I think He is laughing right now, at the fact that we are surprised by this. HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS. and He has NO LIMITS. None. We put Him in a box so easily.
That’s gotta stop:)
**Psalm 115
**Isaiah 61
**James 1:17
Be blessed, brothers and sisters.
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